Ostentation - Pamer

December 8th, 2005 by neppakosa

When the last time you showed off things that you possessed?? Just to get someone else attention or just to tell others that you are someone that deserve attention… Not only an object that you could flaunt… but it could be your look or your skill…

I just browsed on the internet… I found a link to a watch collector… I took a look at it and found a Michel Herbelin watch that was one of wanted MUST-HAVE-ITEM of mine… I saw that watch in San Diego years ago.. was going to buy it but unfortunately sold out… I was looking for that watch in US and Singapore… but never got the luck to find it and was still looking until forgotten… What i liked about that watch because its simple and somewhat sporty but look elegant and expensive.. I imagened myself with that watch.. and thought that would be look very nice on me… I had 2 others watch at that time, and actually didnt need another one… perhaps only ostentation that could come out for the reason…

Ostentation is a useless act.. i think its stupid… Often we showed off to someone that we dont really know their level.. In case you showed off to someone that "lower than your level", you only will receipt envy… then you could end up surrounded with people who called "friends" that actually only taking advantage on your things that you flaunted… they are not really friend…. and if you showed off to someone "higher level" than you, they will flaunt with what they possessed to beat u and will still look down on you anyway… and yes I was stupid… There are few things I could recall from my past, which right now I am so embarrased to realized that I’ve done such a stupid thing like that, Ostentation is one of the top list…

Dont ever try to get other people attention with showing off what you good at… Try to pay attention to other and love them.. you will get the attention back… and the love too… :)

what you receive is what you give…

I learned from my mistake and try to be humble and I hope I can always be humble for the rest of my life…

What i meant by level is not our level as human being… I opposed all view that differentiate human being… It is meant a level of object or talent in what you possessed.

Fear and Courage

November 28th, 2005 by neppakosa

Baru baru ini, ada temenku yang kasih aku suatu article untuk personal development untuk hidup dengan courage. Dan juga aku ada chatting ama temenku yang lain. Lagi curhat nigh ceritanya. Dia ngomongin tentang problemnya panjang lebar dan akhirnya ada yang menyangkut tentang fear. Fear yang membuat dia stop untuk melakukan apa yang dia pikir semestinya di lakuin. Well, this doesn’t surprise me. Since aku nemuin kejadian kaya begini banyak especially di culture kita di Indo.

Dalam culture kita, sadar atau tidak sadar kita pasti banyak nemuin kata kata orang tua yang ngomongin kita untuk stay safe. In fact, memang ini cara kita (majority) di didik sejak kecil di rumah maupun di sekolah. “Terlalu bahaya”, “Wes, jok ambil resiko.”, “Ga usah cari perhatian orang lah.”, “Ikutin tradisi keluarga.”, “Jangan ngomong ama orang yg ga dikenal.”, “Ati ati loh di jalan.”, “Cari aman aja lah.”

Bukan nya ini suatu yang jelek, tapi terlalu menekankan untuk cari aman ada side effect yang buat kita akhirnya terbiasa berbuat passively.. Instead of setting our own goal - mbuat rencana untuk mencapainya dan menjalaninya dengan semangat dan courage, kita jalani hidup kita dengan aman dan santai… Tetap kerja di pekerjaan yang stabil, walaupun itu tidak mencukupi kebutuhan kita.. Tetap bertahan di suatu relationship, walaupun kamu kerasa mati dan hampa di dalam compared to the passion yang kamu pernah punya sebelumnya… Tetap menjalani hidup kita yang membosankan, walau kita tau itu semua ga ada artinya dan ga ada tujuannya… Well you might got someone told you, “Ya mau gimana lagi, memang beginilah hidup ini.. wes lah ga usah mikiri banyak… Terimalah hidupmu dan make the best of it. Ikuti arus lah, jangan macem macem, orang seng laen juga gitu koq.. jadi normal normal aja kalo gini… Harapan kamu satu satunya itu cuman kalo arus hidup ini bisa bawa kamu ke direction yang kamu mau.. makae berdoa lah..”

Filosofi bermain aman ini lah yang membuat kita akhirnya biasa di payung securitas dan akhirnya membuat kita tidak mempunyai courage… Memang bener kalo ada beberapa bahaya yang kita harus hindari… tapi ada bedanya antara keberanian dan kenekatan!! Menurut ku courage itu adalah suatu qualitas pemikiran yang bisa membuat seseorang bisa overcome suatu adverse situation atau perasaan takut dengan percaya diri dan resolusi. Orang hanya bisa di bilang berani kalo dia punya rasa takut… kalo tidak namanya tuh orang nekat.. justru orang yang takut dan bisa ngelawan rasa takutnya maka bisa di bilang berani…

Coba pikir what would happened in our life kalo kita berani?? Berapa sering kita di hantui rasa takut trus kita play safe and do nothing?? Takut untuk gagal. Takut untuk ditolak. Takut jadi bangkrut. Takut sendirian. Takut dihina. Takut ngomong didepan publik. Takut dikucilkan dari teman ato society. Takut physical discomfort. Takut menyesal. Takut ga ada penggantinya. Takut commitment. Dengan courage bukan berarti kita jadi nekat bermain sesuatu yang bener bener bahaya… kita tetep aja bisa sense mana yang real danger ato tidak. Karena keberanian itu suatu qualitas pemikiran… Perlu mikir untuk bisa berani… Dan dengan courage, kita bisa lebih banyak mencoba menelan resiko yang biasanya the worst case sebenarnya ga bener bener merugikan.. Kelakuan kita yang biasanya sering diam akhirnya jadi kebiasaan.. Dan kebiasaan ini mengakar di pola hidup kita.. Jeleknya kita mulai membenarkan dan membuat alasan untuk kebiasaan diam kita.. “Aku punya keluarga yang kita harus support dan ga bisa ambil resiko itu.” “Lah orang laen yang aku kenal gitu semua, jadi aku kan normal normal aja” “Aah, aku memang ga bisa kurusan, soale kan aku memang punya gen gemuk :p.”… Sebenarnya, We don’t really give a try, do we?? Dan apa cara terfavorite yang biasanya kita lakukan untuk diam?? Hmmm… palingan kita nonton tv, dengerin radio, buka internet browsing2 yang ga tau mau ngebrowse apa, pergi kerja yang berlebihan, shopping, tidur, ato bengong.. try to ignore our need sampe jadi kebiasaan dan kita ga bakal kerasa perlu lagi…

Penyakit mendasar dari orang yang berpikiran “present time” adalah selalu menunda nunda atau menghindar dari masalah… Dan lucunya, ini bukan sesuatu yang baru.. kita semua tau ini… mungkin ortu ato temen dah pernah ngomongin.. tapi jarang dari kita merubah sikap dan menjalani dengan benar.. ada pepatah: Everybody want to go to heaven, but no one want to die… Bukan aku ngomong orang yang mau ke surga cepet2 mati sana hehehe.. tapi pointnya banyak dari kita itu mau sesuatu tapi ga mau berusaha ato menjalani requirementnya… seperti mau kaya tapi males malesan takut cape takut gagal, mau punya pacar tapi takut kenalan dan mendekati, mau relationship yang hangat, tapi ga memulai berkomunikasi takut jayus… Karena rasa takut itu lah yang mbuat kita itu ga mau memulai…

Sering kali aku kalo ngajak teman untuk do something.. apa lagi new thing.. mereka selalu berpikiran yang jeleknya dulu… ntar begini gimana?? Wah kalo itu mah susah.. Udah rada terlambat sekarang.. looking for any excuses that the world may offer to refuse or not to try… the question is always “WHY”.. Kenapa aku harus gitu? Kenapa nyoba? Kenapa harus mikir? Kenapa harus kerja? Kenapa harus berani?

Mungkin some of us might think what I said is too ambitious.. but my friend, since I think what I wrote now is pretty long for a blog opinion… let me just finish this quick.. I just hope you guys learn not to ask “WHY?” Instead learn to ask “WHY NOT?” Aku yakin itu akan bisa mbantu kita untuk berani mencoba… dan jangan takut… Rubahlah rasa takut kita jadi suatu action, walau kita expect it to fail.. dan inget semua changes itu perlu waktu.. ga ada yang instant.. jadi kalo ada waktu nya kita masih takut untuk ini dan itu… give it times… yang paling penting kita tetep aware dan mau berubah…

well there are other ways untuk ga jadi takut selain merubah pola bertanya kita… Kalo pernah baca “who moved my cheese”… itu rasae buku gampang di ngerti dan ngomongin ttg change.. orang harus mau untuk change dan harus berani change… baca deh yang belon tau baca… Hmmm maybe I will continue this someday … cape ah nulis panjang banget … ini aja udah banyak yang aku cut dan cencored lol…

For those who has read until this part, I would like to say "WOW"… I amazed that you were not stop reading and not being fear of wasting your time to read this "sleepy" writing…

But you know what… You are wasting your time !!! MWAHAHAHHAA…. Well too bad… :p

Lots of my writing in this blog is quoted from article that is wrote by Steve Pavlina..

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. - Dale Carnegie

A message from the heart

November 20th, 2005 by neppakosa

Dear God,
I have a request for You tonight…
I have a message for someone that I could not talk to…
Someone that I have been ignored her existence… Even when we have been lived together under one roof…
Someone that has cooked for me when I was hungry, and has taken care of me when I was sick…
Someone that I have never known… about her past, her work, her parents, and even her name…

I felt guilty for my ignorance toward her, which is supposed to be my obligation to love her…
When you meet her, please tell her I’m sorry..
Not for something that I have done..
But for something that I have never done.. to give unconditional attention and love…
Also, please tell her, thank you so much… for her love to me…

Now, Only regret that left in my heart…
I wish I can turn back time to change the past… But I couldn’t…
I wish I can change my attitude toward her in the future… And still I couldn’t…

Ooo God,
I beg You…
Please deliver this message to my Grandmother that just passed away this morning…
Tell her, that her stupid grandson is asking her for forgiveness…
Amen…

Loneliness - A Monster Within

November 13th, 2005 by neppakosa

TO THEM, I AM A MEMENTO OF A TIME GONE BY THAT THEY NOT WANT TO NOTICE…

THEN, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE?
WHEN I THOUGHT OF THAT, I FOUND NO ANSWER…

WHILE WE LIVE, PURPOSE IS NECESSARY…
WITHOUT THAT, IT IS THE SAME AS BEING DEAD…

FROM THAT, I FELT ALONE…
AND IN FACT, I AM A LONER…

Wonderful world

November 1st, 2005 by neppakosa

It was pretty harsh day… the humid and the heat was very anoying… Stressed, serious, or almost-angry looking faces were all over the place… It seems that everybody has a face that ready to killed anyone that day!! I was there in shanghai subway train, packed with hundreds of people.. Tightly squeezed by people from all direction.. seriously all direction including from the bottom since there was someone bring his luggage and put it right beside my feets… A little more squeeze will make me out of breath and end up fainted… Thanks god it was closed to "people’s square"(one of the most destinated place in shanghai) … lots of people getting out.. but its outnumbered with people coming in!!!! crazy.. it just crazy day…

Anyway, during the journey :p, I was looking around try to pay attention to everyone.. everybody looked so scary that day.. maybe the heat and the squeezed make them so.. But there were this girl… around 20th.. whom pretty much lucky got a seat but gave her comfort to a middle age man who just enter the subway… I noticed that the man were not even gave her a smile.. and her destination station still long to go… (I know because mine is the farthest one :p) she took a disadvantage position just for someone that probably she will never met anymore… Shanghai is populated with around 14 millions people… Believe me, everyday you will look on faces that you would never met again in your life… But she was having a little smile and I can see a peacefull look on her face…

You know, I think to myself, I realize that most of the time people, including me, are too concentrated on something or issues that are more negative rather than positive things.. like we are more likely aware of hatred, selfishness of the people around us, abuses, gossips or etc… (Hey! There is no happily ever after topic on newspaper!! Everyone want HOT stuff!! More deadly or scary it is, more interesting it would be)… Sometimes, whether you realized or not, we felt living alone with the enemies among us… well you might have some friends who cares about you.. but you still felt surrounded by millions of Strangers that makes you on guard all the time..

But, is it true?? or it just the way we think is wrong, that make all the things we perceived are seems so bad..

Are love and compassion really hard to find in our world?? Actually, its not hard at all… If we start to pay attention to other people, see their good side rather than bad side, think positive… learn to give out love and also learn to let it in.. I think it will open our eyes to see more love than the otherwise..

Also I met this germany girl, she lived at phillipines before  to help farmers to get their rights against the government.. while she could have continues her college degree.. But she stop, and she went to make an errand for those phillipino that she never met before.. and risk her life to be jailed or even killed… She faced water canon there… unbelieveable… I asked her why? She just smile to me and simply said.. I only live my life once, If I passed my chance to help other people to make better world, my live would be a waste… what a waste, he repeat her last sentence like a whisper…

Nowadays, everytimes I take a walk, I try to smile to other people and greed them… They return my smile with smile and then I realized more smile than stressed faces… I saw parents playing around with their children in the park, happy tears and hug in airports between friends or family, friends joking around at my school, etc… It is a wonderful world when you can see it..

You know we live inside a house with an ugly dirty window but have a beautiful view outside the house… It is just our choice to look and concentrate on our ugly window or look at beautiful view through it…

I have a friend who told me before about a phrase… but I have never understand it better than now…

Preoccupied with single leaf, you cannot see the tree…
Preoccupied with single tree, you forgot the whole forrest…

I know that Selfishness, greed, gossips, and all negative sometimes is enjoyable to experience or to know… but if we preoccupied with those negative things… you cannot see the love and the compassion around us… And then it will lead you to forgot the whole meaning of life.

Just like those people who sang "Where is the love?"
I guess they are too blind to see The LOVE, which is actually everywhere…

Lazy

August 24th, 2005 by neppakosa

Right now is 10:30 in the morning.. I just done my bath (pretty late huh), there are so much things to do today.. I need to get my passport from the visa office, take care my luggage, dry clean, looking for apartement, buy a plane ticket, and company my friend to go to australian embassy to get her PR done.. but despite all these works that need to be done.. I am still here sitting browsing internet and writing this blogs with no purpose of doing it.. just wasting my time and fill my laziness needs… I couldnt believe how lazy I am in china…

There are so many things going on last week… I went to monggol.. yeah monggol!! … Beside my bad travel agent with an unproffesional tour guide who communicate with pretty much close range, anoyed my comfort zone, that yelled all the time whenever he talks with all these sticky and almost dry saliva around his mouth with some wierd smell that almost make me puke, the monggol tour was not bad at all.. it was fun…

I was riding horses on the vast grass field, it was great but my ass hurt.. sleep at monggol hut, its interesting but not comfortable… the food sucks, oh well… go to monggol dune, its damn cold.. (I only bring my t shirt!! never expect mongol is only around 10 degree C) hmmm sounds not a good trip doesnt it?!… Well maybe not comfortable trip.. but monggol is really different than other place.. the people, the food, the life there, and the dancing… Its interesting…

Oh yeah also my train experience is pretty fun… so it was 12 hours train from beijing to monggol.. right when you enter the train you can see a rusty steel around with dirty seat and bed with no air con, and just to let you know, the chinese often not taking shower every day… sometimes once a week!! seriously!!… so imagine you stay with lots of them inside a old rusty train with no aircon.. you can get this stinky breeze, hmmm hard to explain how stinky it is… and you have to hold that for 12 hours!! YEAH 12 HOURS!!! but its ok … you will get use to it…

Seems like I dealed with a lots of smell here in monggol… but the scariest of all… is my tour guide’s close range mouth with full of almost dry saliva… afraid it would spray to my face!! aaargh!!

hmmm my friend just finished taking shower… i need to get ready to go… cya later guys…

My Church

August 7th, 2005 by neppakosa

My lovely church at xuan wu men.. I am still grateful to Ika to invite me to go together with to this church… Because of that invitation, I met Marco and found out that we have same hobby… EATING GOOD FOOD!!.. well back to the topic … I am very happy to be in catholic church… feels like really a "church" to me … cause I usually go to the indonesian christian church.. don’t get me wrong, that church is ok.. but I prefer catholic ways rather than christian way in worshiping.. to me catholic is more like taking God as our God or King rather than taking Him as our friends or father… that we talk to him with respect and with orders like etiquette etc…

Anyway… today there is something pop out of my mind while looking at my pastor… Hey… he is a Chinese with lousy English pronunciation … I mean seriously lousy… me and other friends, cannot understand what he was saying… he just keep mumbling and mumbling … we can only get a sentences or two then there we go.. we lost again… :) But suprisely… this church still full of people and even lots of standing people on the back.. people really come here to seek God not to seek the pastor or the speech…

This partor of ours… he looks like a decent guy with a good looking and able to maintain his study at US.. so basically he is more than just regular people in China.. he can have a good wife here with a decent job… but he choose to be pastor… not married and doesn’t have income… while the Chinese.. they are crazy about family things… like they live their life for the family.. and since here you can only have 1 children .. so I guess my pastor is not out of exception… he should have no brother or sister to replace him to take care his parents… so he really does leave all the worldly things for God…

I really do amazed by him…
Jia You Pastorku….. Hope you improve your pronunciation soon…

Live my life

August 2nd, 2005 by neppakosa

Oh well, akhirnya habis juga waktuku di beijing… Agustus 10 ini bakalan pindah ke shanghai. ga tau aku mesti seneng ato sedih.. yang jelas my life in beijing is pretty much wonderful.. sampe jadi sayang banget ninggalin beijing…
Mulai dari kelasku yang enaak bangeet… dan bisa tinggal ama cousinku walau aku ga terlalu deket ama dia .. but ive been longing to stay together with one of my family even only relative..
Trus bisa kenal ama Marco, temen yang bisa diajak ngobrol, sharing dan lebih dari itu dia temen yang aku bisa percaya.. dan Ika yang males dan banyol.. (well I still missed you guys.. wish you are here.).. Hamdani juga dateng nyambangi gue… temen baekku dari LA yg dah 4-5 taon kali ya ga ketemu …
sekarang kenal ama Netty… yg badanya kecil tapi mempunyai bokong besar kaya adeku sherly, dan herannya character dia mirip banget ama aiku di indo dan betapa coincidence nya kalo dia punya background keluarga yg kurang lebih kaya aku…
donk!!…I’ve never met a person that has attributes so similar with the attributes of my family.. its like looking at myself, aiku, dan adeku together combined! heuheuheue…
Hey really, they are not friends that I can find every time or at every place… they really special to me… Too bad waktu bersama ama mereka begitu pendek… Ada saat saat aku pernah wish, seandainya aku bisa kenal mereka dari dulu dan bisa lebih lama…
anyway thank to them to paint my life become more colorful..

Hmmm, jalan jalan ke beidaihe gagal!! duh =( .. rencananya kita ke pantai nigh .. tapi akhirnya ke gunung lagi.. sebenarnya gunungnya not bad, in fact it was beautiful… tapi kurasa karena semua berharap melihat pantai .. jadi pas di gunung kita semua kurang impression..
dan juga karena aku suck in planning.. kita susah dapet tiket pulang ke beijing dari sana.. akhirnya aku buat the rest of the group suffer from my incapability .. sorry guys.. I really do..
Ga cuman susah dapet tiket.. aku juga ga ngecek cuaca.. dan pas hari kedua disana hujan .. makanya akhirnya ga jadi ke pantai =(.. padahal mereka dah spent lots of money for this trip… all faults are on me =(

Tentang kebahagiaan sejati yang mesti nya aku mulai tulis masih belon kepikir nigh.. aku pun masih belon jelas itu tuh apa.. soalnya juga ga pernah kepikir sampai ada temen SMA ku tanya… Atau mungkin aku memang belon konsen kesana.. soalnya aku lebih kepikir tentang masa laluku…
aku baca satu article yang bener bener hit my mind… sesuai banget ama kehidupanku sekarang dan pas banget pada saat sekarang.. saat yang aku harus face suatu masalah yang dah lama aku lari dari itu….

Semua orang punya masa lalu, bener ga?? Kamu ga bisa lari atau sembunyi dari itu…
Mungkin kamu ga harus mencintai masalalumu tapi yang jelas indah atao jelek kamu harus hidup dengan itu…
Aku ga bisa bilang kalo punyaku dulu indah atao ancur.. tapi aku bisa bilang kalo aku menghidupi hidupku dengan segenap hatiku dan pikiran yang semuanya yg telah ku jalani membentuk diriku yg sekarang ini..
Aku kerasa perlunya aku memikirkan hal ini karena sebentar lagi aku harus memutuskan sesuatu yang sangat penting dalam hidupku yang semuanya bersangkutan dengan masa laluku… Aku baru baru ini kangen lagi ama Amrik.. terutama Tucson, an ugly dirty city in the middle of desert… yeah its that city not LA nor SD nor Boston… but Tucson.. in fact aku kangen ama satu gunung namanya Mt. Lemon…
I love that place karena disana tempat aku biasa lagi bengong, mikir, ngeliat bintang, and place where I have a thought of God..dan juga tempat salah satunya pengalaman special … tapi I also hated it so much karena di tempat yang sama juga terjadi hal yg paling menyakitkan… I’m still bleeding inside till now…

Kadang gampang untuk ngucapin "forgive" atau "forget" tapi susah banget untuk membuat itu jadi kenyataan di hidup ini… Apalagi saat sakitnya luka itu belon hilang… sedih dan kecewa membuat aku jadi sering wonder kenapa sih koq gini?? Apa yang salah??…
Dan itu membuat ada yang berubah dalam diriku… menjadi lebih takut, adanya rasa untuk giving up, tidak percaya lagi dan protektif untuk memulai lagi… Apa perubahan ini baik atao jelek, bener atau salah?, aku ga tau… tapi yang aku yakin ini bukan buah cinta kasih… dan hidup masa depan yg dijalani tanpa cinta kasih adalah hidup yg paling menyedihkan…

Hmmm sebenarnya mau ngelanjutkan lagi.. tapi sekarang aku dah laper banget dan netty dah ngomel karena aku belon mandi.. jadi… ntar ku lanjutin deh … aku post dulu heueuhueheu

Makan apa ya??? Ano?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Another Happy day - 1

July 29th, 2005 by neppakosa

Ok.. Right now is 11:30pm.. I should have hit my bed and go for tomorrow’s travel at 6:00am.. Duh… I just couldn’t sleep before write this down… Cause I knew that I’m gonna forget all these things I want to say by tomorrow morning.. =) I’m Pikun you know… hehhehe

Alright… today I am so grateful that my Tim Ayam end up not bad at all… I am happy that my sister, cousin actually but I look at her like my own sis, pretty much like my cook.. =) Also my friends netty and desi… You know, what could be better for a cooker to find out that the taster love their cook.. NONE.. so I’m happy…

Talking about happiness, about a few hours ago.. my friend email me with a question about true happiness… She asked whether true happiness is really exist?

HappinessHmmm I don’t know where to begin… True Happiness… What is it actually.. Hey really, have you ever think "What is true happiness??"… seems like everyone dreaming to achieve that… but without knowing what it is, I think it would be like chasing the wind… U don’t even know what things are you chasing..

I have read and heard lots of saying about it… some people said that you can have that by having lots of friends, that stand by your side… but there is a time or lots of time later on .. that you will find your friend cannot be fully care to you, hey they need to prioritize themselves rather than you doesn’t it??.. and you then feel left behind or find out that you are actually alone..

I also heard of saying that it is not friends that can give you happiness but the one who loved you… well yeah .. for longer period … but you know… to whom that have experienced in relationship, will find out that your girl or boy friend sometimes or most of the times,for the unlucky one, becoming one of the most selfish being, especially when he/she is in the bad mood.. and made you ill fill..

And if you are the lucky one, you probably have someone who love you sooo much that always be there for you and do things for you.. bla bla bla … so hey, you happy because of that?? having somebody sacrificed their time, money and sometimes even pride for your needs..  well maybe you feel fun, pleased  and satisfied, knowing that you are being acknowledged or served by some people.. but I am sure that in the end, you will again feel there is emptiness…

So I think having lots of friends or someone who loved you are not True Happiness… Also it is not only lots of laughter and funs things going on in your day… I think its beyond those… So what is it ?? I DON’T KNOW!! hehehe yeah.. actually I don’t know … Its a hard question.. and right now 12:15am … I just spent 45 min to think about that and still have no answer… but I promise you I will try to answer that in the next blog hehehe … sorry for making you guys reading this long stupid writing… mwahahhaha….

Tomorrow I’m going to the beach!! YEAAAHH!! WHO’S THE BEACH BOY??!! ITS ME!!

G-nite…

Im blue..

July 25th, 2005 by neppakosa

What a bad day!!…

Sekali lagi .. aku kehilangan barang…

Sekarang kacamataku … =( aku dulu dah janji ama diri sendiri ga beli barang mahal lagi … tapi aku ngingkari… eeh sekarang ilang deh … payah banget…

Salah satu sifat terjelek ku … TELEDOR!! dan susah untuk di hilangi … apa lagi saat aku banyak pikiran … dan herannya aku ga solving problem ku untuk jadi ga teledor .. tapi aku making solution untuk ga beli barang mahal ato tergantung ama orang laen untuk ngingetin aku … ive been running away from the main problem…  I know iknow .. i should face my problem and make my self a little bit careful… but its the hardest thing for me to do… seriously…

selaen itu… aku somehow sense kalo ada masalah antara aku ama sepupuku.. well aku ga tau itu .. that the biggest problem … maybe i made mistake that I didnt realize … ato attitudeku ada yang ga bener .. tapi aku ga tau … duh!! not knowing the problem is very anoying … and its bother me and keep me away from sleeping … yg jelas … aku kerasa dia rada menghindar for even talking to me =(

I could be hated by everyone else and still have a good night sleep.. but not from one of my family… I hope its getting better soon …

dan yang ketiga yg membuat hari ku tambah buruk!!! THERE ARE POP UPS IN MY COMPUTER!! THIS F%#@*%$ SPYWARE HAS LOTS OF STUPID ADVERTISEMENT ON MY COMP!! INCLUDING PORN!! The worst thing is … Those stupid pic saved on the cookies in temp internet files… I just know it since one of my friend, a girl, accidently open the damn picture.. in the temporary folder!! IN FRONT OF FACE… AND I JUST SILENCED WITH THE UNPLEASANT SUPRISED AND SHAME AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY … Wondering what were she thinking?? "YOUR ARE BUSTED CHARLES!!"

What a great WAY to find out there is PORN on my comp… !

DUH!!

What a day…